#7: Once upon a time, I was falling in love...

Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart

Why it's Embarrassing: I'm having the hardest time writing this part of the post, but just know this. The guy that wrote this song also wrote the following cheesy/terrible classics (these aren't pleasures, they are just weird):




So I guess my gripe isn't with Bonnie Tyler. She was just a pop singer in the 1980's that got selected to sing this song. But goddamn you, Jim Steinman. Why are all of your songs so pointlessly epic? It's like a Brian Wilson song off of Smile but it sucks. I mean, this song builds, and builds (and builds), adding every terrible 80's electronic (electric drums, electric keys, etc.) until it's almost too much to take. For most people, it is too much to take.

Not even it's hilarious cameo in Old School saves this one. Remember these guys?


That shit was funny. Now imagine talking to someone about this song, now that Old School was a box office smash:

You: Yeah, I really like that song, "Total Eclipse of the Heart".
Pretty Girl: YEAH! From Old School, right?! "I fucking need ya moooore than eva!" OMG it's so FuNnY!"
You: Yeah. Right. I was talking about the actual song, though. Without the fuckins.
Pretty Girl: Wait... What?

And you're sunk. I think it's safe to say that "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is looked at as a joke, at best. It's understandable why.

Why It's Awesome: This was my first "favorite song of all-time". Let that sink in...



Okay. Yeah. I used to go to Skate-A-Way as a kid, and every time I was there they would play two songs ad-fucking-nauseum: "Funky Town" by Lipps Inc., and this jam, by various artists (Bonnie's version, techno versions, shit was CRAZYYY). I don't know. Maybe at eight and nine I already knew my life was destined for epic emo sadness because the only song I liked hearing at the roller rink is one of the SADDEST FUCKING SONGS I'VE EVER HEARD. Really. Look into the lyrics. This song is BRUTAL. Not only that, but look at the song structure. There are huge builds that are then fucking slashed down to nothing over the chorus, where it's just Tyler (or six Tyler's, depending on how many vocal tracks are actually going on) singing some really sad shit. When you're young, that's heartbreaking. When you're 22, that's still heartbreaking.

The thing that kills me now are the vocals at the end. The "Turn around bright eyes" part. It just comes out of nowhere and smacks you with hope. For what? You have no idea! It actually the saddest sounding vocal in the song, but I'm sure that wasn't supposed to happen. You get through all of the song, and then the line acts like the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's such a bummer at the end of an intense shot of 80's epic cheese. It's hard to take man. The song does weird things to a guy.

Guilt Factor: Admitting I still love this song, and it was my first favorite songs, I'm going 10/10.

#5: You, Me, and...

You, Me, and Everyone We Know... The Band

Why It's Embarrassing: Just look at them! Jesus Christmas. Admitting to liking a band that looks like that is like saying, "Yeah, hey, I am a 16 year old girl". As you may have guessed, they play shitty popular pop punk that has consumed the radio and the MTV generation and that isn't very cool. Also, they stole their name from the movie Me and You and Everyone We Know and got the name wrong. Wow. Just wow.

Why It's Awesome: The band is kind of DIY, which is bizarre in the current state of pop punk. Both of their EPs are available for free off their myspace, their latest coming out today (hence this blog), and ya know what? I like it. There is enough going on throughout the songs that keep my mind from wondering. The lyrics are pretty relentless and angry and about booze enough that I find myself singing along a lot. They're pretty good. Go download their stuff.

http://www.myspace.com/youmeandeveryoneweknow

Guilt Level: 6/10. Some would debate more. Some won't understand the guilt at all. Safe six it is.

#4: Good Luck Chuck

Good Luck Chuck, Starring Jessica Alba and Dane Cook

Why It's Embarrassing: Dane Cook

Why It's Awesome: I'm not trying to skimp on the above answer here. I could talk about a lot of things that are embarrassing about this movie, but I think mentioning the name "Dane Cook" in a non 2004 setting is pretty lame. But alas, Jessica Alba is gorgeous, the plot is so terrible it's funny, the jokes are awkwardly well done, and the ending is cute. I am a sucker for cute endings. I can't help it. Plus, Dan Fogler plays probably the most grotesque character in recent history and does it so well it's frightening.

Guilt Level: 8/10. If you think Dane Cook and admit to it, people are probably laughing at you secretly. This shit is embarrassing.

#3: 9 to 5

Sheena Easton - 9 to 5

Why It's Embarrassing: Really? Do you really even need to ask this one? This has late 70's/early 80's polite/cheesy pop written all over it. Searching Youtube, you can find performances of this one such gems as Solid Gold (complete with Solid Gold Dancers) and TOTPs (the video you see below). This is pretty much the antithesis of "guilty pleasure".

Why It's Awesome: Last time you heard this song, you were probably watching a montage segment on Seinfeld. It was always hilarious when this song got used in that show, which was quite a few times (Kramer "getting" a job is my personal favorite. Or crippled George). You know what, though? This song is bound to be stuck in your head for a good few days after you see that episode, and there's a really good chance that, secretly, you won't mind one bit. Why? Well, because the chorus is just so damn catchy.

Guilt Level: Thanks to Seinfeld, I'm escaping this one at a mere 6.5/10. Next post, I promise you, I won't be so lucky.

#2: Santeria

Sublime - Santeria

Why it's Embarrassing: If you attend any college (or any school with frats) and have half a brain for any sort of alternative culture, you know why admitting to liking anything by Sublime is embarrassing.  People that like Sublime seem to like them because they sing about their favorite past time (date rape) or because they sing about their other favorite past time (getting fucked up/smoking weed).  On top of all that, Sublime is essentially a ska band, and yeah.  There is nothing cool about ska.  Really, unless you're a douche bag, a pot head, or a reformed pothead who clings to his or her roots too hard, there is nothing good about this band.

Why it's Awesome: That opening line is just so fucking catchy!  The lyrics are hilarious!  The guitar tone is so beautifully clean!  The guitar solo rules!  It's such a bummer that such an overall bland band wrote such a nu reggae gem in the middle of their completely lackluster (and/or BAD) career.  Then again, it's also not a bummer, because this song is such a guilty gem for me, and probably anyone with half a brain that knows not to like Sublime.

Guilt Level: 0/10 to "Normal People" (What?  You don't like Sublime?  Pass the hack, brah!)  7/10 to "Other People" (Some people, that aren't idiots, still like this band)

#1: End is Forever

The Ataris - End is Forever

Why It's Embarrassing: There are so many reasons why anything by the Ataris, at this point, can be seen as embarrassing. For one, find a copy of Enter the Night, and after listening to it (if possible, in full), say aloud, "They were serious". Typing that alone made my spine shutter. Besides that, you have the Don Henley cover that is still played in Wal Mart's across America, the ridiculous nineties fashion (for reference, look up the cover of Look Forward to Failure), the ridiculous new millennium fashions (Ex. eyeliner), etc. There was also the fact that, like so many others, they bought into the idea that nineties pop punk lyrics (outside of Jawbreaker) had to be, well, bad. Like, cringe-worthy bad. Like, take "San Dimas High School Football Rules", for example. For most people that knew the Ataris before So Long, Astoria, they know these lyrics:

Last night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland,
Went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in line.
I drove you to your house where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms.

Face it (if you already haven’t). Those lyrics aren't good. At all. Later in the song, they get worse. There’s a whole line about going to Vegas and getting Wayne Newton to sing a song to the girl in question. You know what isn’t cool? Wayne Newton. What know what is bad lyric material? Wayne Newton.

These problems arise on End is Forever as well. The album doesn’t get away scot-free just because I’m admitting, well, that I like it. I mean, take the opening track “Giving up on Love”, for example:

I used to have this friend
Who took his fiance
To see billy idol
A couple weeks before
Their wedding day.
The chick got backstage
And left my friend outside.
Next day he called
From a hotel
Asking for a ride.

I guess i'm giving up on love
'cause it really kind of sucks

That’s not even the worst on the record by a fucking long shot. Here’s a link. Read the lyrics to “You Need a Hug”. Even when I was 15 I knew these lyrics were fucking stupid. Trust me. Read them.

Why It’s Awesome: Last time I admitted to myself that I liked this record was in 2004. Even then, I was slightly embarrassed. Regardless of that, I then spent a good, long while essentially ripping off this record. You may recognize that attempt as this:

Now, it’s not a full on rip-off fest, but the evidence is there. Example (probably the best example): Listen to the end of “Summer Wind Was Always Our Song”. What you get: Long winded pop punk instrumental jam. Now, if you have the ARC record, listen to the end of “Warm Hands, Warm Memories”. What you get: Long winded pop punk instrumental jam. Hmm. Trust me. That was completely intentional.

More examples: Listening to this record now, it’s basically as technical as pop punk can get in terms that the band is working together to create the most interesting thing they can. There are starts. There are stops. There are weird chords next to power chords. There are perfectly synced drum and bass parts. There are pianos, synths, acoustic guitars, slide guitars, etc. There is a lot going on. Listening to the ARC record, there is also a lot going on. It wasn't pulled off as tightly, but I specifically tried to make the songs have enough interesting quarks to settle my End is Forever urges.

Where the lyrics are good, they’re really good. Some of this shit still really hits home. Kris Roe sounds like he’s ripping his throat apart most of the time, and you get the feeling that he really is. That’s the sign of some clout behind what is going on (or, I’ve been really well fooled for seven years). Listen to him sing the line, “I draw the blinds and I dream of you” during, “If You Really Wanna Hear About It”. Besides that, this record has the second most perfect use of a sample I’ve ever heard in my life during “Fast Times at Dropout High” (next to “Megan” by On the Might of Princes”). Granted, it’s Ben Affleck speaking, but the placement is something more than perfect. It’s just fucking right.

So there. I really like this record. Here’s a megaupload link that someone else upped. The password is www.alternative2punk.com

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=0QRPZ03F

Guilt Level: 8/10