Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart
Why it's Embarrassing: I'm having the hardest time writing this part of the post, but just know this. The guy that wrote this song also wrote the following cheesy/terrible classics (these aren't pleasures, they are just weird):
So I guess my gripe isn't with Bonnie Tyler. She was just a pop singer in the 1980's that got selected to sing this song. But goddamn you, Jim Steinman. Why are all of your songs so pointlessly epic? It's like a Brian Wilson song off of Smile but it sucks. I mean, this song builds, and builds (and builds), adding every terrible 80's electronic (electric drums, electric keys, etc.) until it's almost too much to take. For most people, it is too much to take.
Not even it's hilarious cameo in Old School saves this one. Remember these guys?
That shit was funny. Now imagine talking to someone about this song, now that Old School was a box office smash:
You: Yeah, I really like that song, "Total Eclipse of the Heart".
Pretty Girl: YEAH! From Old School, right?! "I fucking need ya moooore than eva!" OMG it's so FuNnY!"
You: Yeah. Right. I was talking about the actual song, though. Without the fuckins.
Pretty Girl: Wait... What?
And you're sunk. I think it's safe to say that "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is looked at as a joke, at best. It's understandable why.
Why It's Awesome: This was my first "favorite song of all-time". Let that sink in...
Okay. Yeah. I used to go to Skate-A-Way as a kid, and every time I was there they would play two songs ad-fucking-nauseum: "Funky Town" by Lipps Inc., and this jam, by various artists (Bonnie's version, techno versions, shit was CRAZYYY). I don't know. Maybe at eight and nine I already knew my life was destined for epic emo sadness because the only song I liked hearing at the roller rink is one of the SADDEST FUCKING SONGS I'VE EVER HEARD. Really. Look into the lyrics. This song is BRUTAL. Not only that, but look at the song structure. There are huge builds that are then fucking slashed down to nothing over the chorus, where it's just Tyler (or six Tyler's, depending on how many vocal tracks are actually going on) singing some really sad shit. When you're young, that's heartbreaking. When you're 22, that's still heartbreaking.
The thing that kills me now are the vocals at the end. The "Turn around bright eyes" part. It just comes out of nowhere and smacks you with hope. For what? You have no idea! It actually the saddest sounding vocal in the song, but I'm sure that wasn't supposed to happen. You get through all of the song, and then the line acts like the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's such a bummer at the end of an intense shot of 80's epic cheese. It's hard to take man. The song does weird things to a guy.
Guilt Factor: Admitting I still love this song, and it was my first favorite songs, I'm going 10/10.
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